Advice: Relationships
Well, after all this time I finally got another question! Here it is:
"Do you think that 2 people who at one time were in a relationship, can ever be 'just friends'? With no added weirdness or lingering feelings not associated with plain old friendship?"
Liana
East Coast
Dear Liana,
Thanks for being brave and asking a great question! I have personal experience with this one, so here's your answer:
In short, the answer is yes. There are, however, things to watch out for. First of all, it will ONLY work if BOTH parties have changed their "feelings meter" and want to remain just friends. If one has lingering feelings from the relationship, it won't work because those feelings will always get in the way and that person will always be wanting more. Second, there is a chance that, while both parties were well intentioned, one may get those old feelings back in the course of the friendship. It is something to watch out for and address as soon as it may happen. Lastly, while you and your ex may very well be only friends and that's working out fine, both your new significant others (when they come along) may very well have a problem with you being friends with an ex. While that in itself is wrong, some people will disagree with me here and if you are dating this insecure person, you are going to have a hard time convincing them that you're now "just friends". I have had that problem and it totally sucks.
If you remain friends with an ex boyfriend/girlfriend (not husband/wife), my advice for you concerning your new one is to not volunteer any irrelevant information. Just say you're friends and leave it at that. Don't lie of course. If they ask, then tell them the truth. Hopefully they will be mature enough to understand it. If not, I would get rid of them right then before it gets serious (do you really want a relationship with someone who already doesn't trust you?) as you may put yourself in a tough situation later of having to choose one or the other.
I hope that answers your question Liana and thanks again!
Wayne
Dear Liana,
Thanks for being brave and asking a great question! I have personal experience with this one, so here's your answer:
In short, the answer is yes. There are, however, things to watch out for. First of all, it will ONLY work if BOTH parties have changed their "feelings meter" and want to remain just friends. If one has lingering feelings from the relationship, it won't work because those feelings will always get in the way and that person will always be wanting more. Second, there is a chance that, while both parties were well intentioned, one may get those old feelings back in the course of the friendship. It is something to watch out for and address as soon as it may happen. Lastly, while you and your ex may very well be only friends and that's working out fine, both your new significant others (when they come along) may very well have a problem with you being friends with an ex. While that in itself is wrong, some people will disagree with me here and if you are dating this insecure person, you are going to have a hard time convincing them that you're now "just friends". I have had that problem and it totally sucks.
If you remain friends with an ex boyfriend/girlfriend (not husband/wife), my advice for you concerning your new one is to not volunteer any irrelevant information. Just say you're friends and leave it at that. Don't lie of course. If they ask, then tell them the truth. Hopefully they will be mature enough to understand it. If not, I would get rid of them right then before it gets serious (do you really want a relationship with someone who already doesn't trust you?) as you may put yourself in a tough situation later of having to choose one or the other.
I hope that answers your question Liana and thanks again!
Wayne
posted by Wayne @ 10:53 AM
11 comments
11 Comments:
Wow, Wayne, I'm impressed! That was an awesome answer to a difficult question. I agree with you completely. Thank you for answering so succinctly and honestly. It's a tricky situation.
I agree. I've had the same experience.
Sometimes it takes time to become friends. You once had love and respect for this person, there's no reason why you can't after the relationship is over. It's just a different kind of love.
Liana, You are very welcome and it's my pleasure. I LIKE helping people out. That was the whole point of my blog, but it didn't take off. Tell your friends! LOL!
Anon - Good point!
I agree with anon also, so why do you think it SO rarely happens? Why can people who obviously found admirable qualities in another rarely stay friends after a relationship is over?
Is that another question? ;)
LOL, Yes, I suppose it is. Am I allowed 2?
As many as you want! However that one really doesn't have an answer. I would say that many people just don't have the personality to get over the relationship and into a friendship. Also, when a relationship breaks up, it's usually only one person who wants that; the other is left feeling jilted. In that case, it would be hard. Only if it were a mutual breakup would it be easy.
There, your own personal answer! LOL!
Ahhh, but do you believe in soul-mates? Not necessarily by design, just the way life forms 2 people in the same ways.
What does this have to do with the friendship question? Anyway, I'm not sure if I believe that or not. There are over 5 billion people on the planet. I bet you could find more than one soul mate as you define it. I bleieve that you only MEET 1 or 2 in your lifetime though.
Should this soul mate be a friend, or more than a friend? ;)
kinda hard.. but my bf from webdate and his ex is good friends now.. I guess its because of their son.. but it does not bother me, though before I thought it was weird..
so why do you think it SO rarely happens?
I agree with Wayne that one person always feels jilted. Most of my friends have been amazed and confused that I have ex as a friend. I’ve had an ex (now a friend) dump me (again) because their girlfriend or wife couldn't handle our friendship even though I've been in a long term relationship. Nothing like getting dumped twice :-)
(I didn't write about soulmates)
Post a Comment
<< Home